Do...No, BE As You're Told

"I didnt know I was mad about anything. I guess if the New York Times says I am, I must be."

-Mark Cuban

This man is brilliance. Revolutionizing the business world as they've known it.

[kyle]

Life.

"Live all you can; it's a mistake not to. It doesn't so much matter what you do in particular, so long as you have your life. If you haven't had that what HAVE you had?"

The Ambassadors by Henry James

"I've Made A Mess Of Me"

I hate the past. Life could potentially be better without one. At least, to remove everything except the experience of it. I just want the past to dissipate and go away. I don't want her or my past to interfere anymore. It causes un-necessary arguments (mostly due to a lack of understanding on either of our parts). There's no point in expressing the reasons why. There are no reasons. The past is behind us...not our current concern...who cares...Our investment. That's what cares. We pissed away time, emotion, energy, and time on that crap. So our investment in it (no matter how misguided) cares.

Now, is that bad? Is it wrong to hope that our entire time with that other person was a waste? I don't think so. The things that hurt us are so much of what makes us who we are today that it'd be foolish to think that it's wrong to wish it never happened. But, now that we're living as our current selves, why dwell? There's really no reason. Why is this?


Because what is developing the current me is you. I like me now. I've never liked me like I like me now. My life is no longer a mess...it's useful.

[kyle]

P.S. You may have just listened to my "gotta finish this beer, like, tonight" ramblings...sorry if it doesn't make sense. I'll re-read it tomorrow to be sure it's alright...

WARNING: This Post Will Offend You In Some Way

Now, I don't typically post strongly political or religious stuff on here due to my (for lack of a better term) "mixed" audience, but it's getting truly ridiculous. It was around this time last year that I watch a bunch of smart people lose their minds and make us out to be a band of complete idiots. I love being a Christian, I really do, but there's not a ton of things more un-Christ-like than rendering that which is Cesar's to be God's. There's no love in manufacturing yourself a martyr in the name of "free-speech" on the steps of Washington D.C. Stop confusing the message of an absolute need for a Savior with bigotry and hatred. I know a lot of these terms are thrown about aimlessly by both sides and not everyone who is/was pro Prop 8 is a hateful bigot, but look at what the people are seeing! What would you think if a group of people stood up and said, "we want to legislate against Christianity"? Would you not be appalled? Would you not picket? What would you do if a country founded on religious freedom and beliefs actually printed a ballot that outlawed a belief?

Stop giving people more reasons to hate us, they already have plenty, and do what we are compelled to do by the Bible which is to pray for EVERYONE and not ignore or hate people for having a different opinion. Who died and made us God? Why are we spending so much time arguing and fighting with each other? Pray, people, that's what we're supposed to do.

I realize I'm not the best example for any of this stuff and I've probably lost one or two (read: all) of my readers because of this post, but it's getting ridiculous. I know there are plenty of people who disagree with me too, but it's the internet and I can write what I want, therefore, my post...

[kyle]

Articles: Wikipedia about Matthew Shepherd Act and the take on it by the gay community.

"...I want to live like I know what I'm leaving..."

"here we are now with our desperate youth and pain, we're awakening. Maybe it's called 'ambition', you've been talking in your sleep about a dream, we're awakening..."

[kyle]

digital noise

the internet is loud today.

[kyle]

ser*en*dip*i*ty

It was all over from here...we were already sub-consciously plotting...especially that blonde one. I mean, look at that face. I think somewhere down deep inside, I knew from the moments just prior to this shot that the existence I held before was no longer valid, had expired, and living was on it's way.

I love you, Kimby...thank you for breathing life into me.

[kyle]

Bad News Looks Like This

Everything was different two days ago. It's interesting when you get to know your future...well, potential future...it makes you start to worry about a lot of "if's" that may or may not really happen. It's making Kimberly sad. She keeps longing for Thursday, before all this happened. We went to a geneticist who informed me that I may have a 50/50 chance of contracting Myotonic Dystrophy (what my dad, sister, nephew, neice, aunt, aunt, grandpa, and cousin all have). That's pretty harrowing. What am I supposed to do with that information right now? I'm healthy (for the most part) right now. Whatever. Anyway, the strangest thing is that I'm not bummed out about it. I'm more worried about Kimberly. The possibility is scaring her. I will say that's one thing that I got from my pops that's been rather useful and cool. My dad never complains. He'll make off-handed comments about how he's doing, "I'm dying...how are you?" and it'll make the room uncomfortable while I just laugh and say, "aren't we all?" He's never said, "God why?" or "How dare this happen to me while I'm still [relatively] young?!?" The man is resolved that the negative thing about his whole disease is the strain it has on my mother and us. Am I going to do the same if I get it? I hope so, because my father deserves as much strength from me as he has had.

Frankly, though, all of this is irrelevant because no one knows their future, and today is Saturday.

[kyle]

Extra Cookie Dough

It's been interesting lately, being at home as much as I have been, because of ailment or otherwise. But, it's been so rewarding actually living my life as opposed to just observing the few meager excuses for personal memories I used to have before Kimberly. I have new memories. I have a fire in the fireplace and my wonderful woman curled up next to me. I'm watching my newest (about an hour old now) obsession of The United States of Tara.

Kimberly heard about this show from some friends who were appalled that she hadn't seen or even really heard about it yet. It's this amazing show on Showtime about a mother with Multiple Personality Disorder who made a family decision to stop taking her medication so her old "friends" re-surfaced and keep interrupting, good or bad, her life. Very real. Great work by Diablo Cody and Steven Speilberg. Great cast too, the four family members are so good at interacting, even in the Pilot. I think it's irreverent and perfect and you should all watch it.

Anyway, I am really enjoying all the time I get to spend with Kimberly and our kitties, despite the sickness, but it's time well spent and i finally, after 25 years, feel completely fulfilled. The pieces are starting to fall into place, not as quickly as some (read: Kimberly ;) ) would like, and I'm completely joking, Kimberly, I just love that you love that quote.

Now, stop reading my blog, go live your lives, friends.

[kyle]

New October Resolutions

I've sat out here in blog-land for sometime now and my observations are proving to be astounding. To myself, more than anybody, but alas astounding. Why do people come out here to share their thoughts, feelings, and snippets of life that they discover? Is it rhetorical or do people expect an answer? These generic questions obviously become relative when thinking about this because human nature allows us the opportunity to self-evaluate. Why do I blog? I'm not really sure. It's kind of to share thoughts with the internet and see if anyone responds. On the other hand it's also just to express what I'm thinking somewhere and I don't necessarily care if anyone actually reads or comments on it. So, for me, I suppose it's just rhetorical and partially to become a part in the "web-community" (as it were).

It's an interesting snapshot of someone's life to look at their entries from months or even years ago. I used to look back on mine frequently and ask myself what the heck I was actually thinking when I wrote them. I sounded sad and lost. As I'm now striving to keep on the path that I sat myself down on years ago, I want to use this blog as a benchmark of progress. In my relationship with Kimberly, my family, my friends, and my walk. The last one should be one of difficulty as I'm not the most motivated of individuals, but my resolve is to do something about this. Now, I could do the typical thing and just wait until January 1st and then "resolve" to do something, but you're almost guaranteed failure if you do that because the connotation is that New Year's Resolutions aren't kept.

In a round about sort of way, this is where things are starting. Here in late-October.

[kyle]