Breaking on Through to the Other Side

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[kyle]

Chapter 2:

This day, last year, I made a decision. It was a very difficult decision and one that I didn't take lightly. I chose to quit smoking. After 4 years of purchase, pack, pull, put match to, pollute, and put out, I decided it was time to quit. The first question people usually ask after "why?" is "how?", so I will answer both with this short story.

I had gotten into...a discussion...with Kimberly about my bad habit and she further expressed her concerns for my health and well-being. Not but two sentences into a lecture I'd heard plenty of times and one I'm sure she'd given several times, she cut herself off. After a brief moment, she looked right at my eyes with a grief-stricken look and sighed as she said, "do what you want, but I've been through this before. For 8 years I dealt with the promise of quitting and then was lied to. You won't hear anymore about this from me, but do what you want..." The look on her face was enough to make the entire world cry. I never wanted to see that look on her face again, so I planned to quit the next day. That night was December 4th, 2008, I updated my Quitter app on my iPhone to the next day and discarded my remaining cigarettes.

It was the first major renovation to my life, now lived with Kimberly. One of many as the next major big thing is coming down the pike just this coming Monday. For those of you [three who read this] who may not know, I've decided to go back to school. Not Orange Coast College, which I've been in a class for the last sixteen weeks with, but to a real progressing school that will land me degree-holding in just 3 to 4 years. I get to take all of my classes online and all of my courses are 5 weeks long. There is no "summer break" or "winter break" in the middle and all the materials are digital. This school is way up my alley, don't you think? I'm heading after a degree in Information Technology & Networking which is fairly applicable to almost everything in the future of everything. I think it'll be the hardest, yet most fulfilling road that Kimberly and I will travel and I'm already thankful for her continued support as I attempt the next difficult chapter in my life.

Chapter 3 is coming soon...it may just start in the midst of chapter 2. ;)

[kyle]

It's All Just A Little Bit of History Repeating

"Young men of this class never do anything for themselves that they can get other people to do for them, and it is the infatuation, the devotion, the superstition of others that keeps them going. These others in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred are women."

Washington Square by Henry James

Determination.

"It doesn't say much. Only 'Howard Roark, Architect.' But it's like those mottoes men carved over the entrance of a castle and died for. It's a challenge in the face of something so vast and so dark, that all the pain on earth-and do you know how much suffering there is on earth?-all the pain comes from that thing you are going to face. I don't know what it is, I don't know why it should be unleashed against you. I know only that it will be. And I know that if you carry these words through to the end, it will be a victory, Howard, not just for you, but for something that should win, that moves the world-and never wins acknowledgement. It will vindicate so many who have fallen before you, who have suffered as you will suffer. May God bless you-or whoever it is that is alone to see the best, the highest possible to human hearts. You're on your way into hell, Howard." Part 1, Chapter 11, pg. 133 of Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead

[kyle]

To Be A Stinson: "12 Reasons I'm Awesome"

I was having lunch today and as the conversation happening across the table was going on (about football), I realized that I don't have much of an interest or talent that is "regular" in society. I don't like, nor am I good at sports really... I don't play a musical instrument very well or a "common" one like guitar or bass... So am I good at anything? That's an entirely unproductive and vain question because immediately upon asking that, someone would say "oh, no you're good at ________" which would be true. Being in the positive mood that I'm (was) in, I came up with some small, yet great things...

And now, to "toot my own horn", as it were:

1) People trust me.
I'm finding the longer I'm here on this earth that people will really tell me anything. Sooner or later, you're caving, just face it. If you don't, the other people who know will tell me...eventually I'll know. I'm very hard to surprise because of this. Kimberly does a pretty good job at it.

2) I don't ask questions that I don't know the answer to.
This is sort of a continuation of the first point. I only ask what I'm almost sure to get a "yes" to or an answer that I already know.

3) I pull off amazing things.
There are way too many stories to post here about how I even amazed myself by getting results from a veritable "crap shoot". Suffice it to say, I can absolutely deliver...when I feel the time's right.

4) When I make the threat, "you don't want my full attention", it's not an empty threat.
I've never had to follow through with this yet, and most people do laugh when I say this. But, I most definitely can focus very hard on something and add my determination to that focus and you have all these character traits pointed at you, and don't forget...I deliver.

5) I'm entertaining.
I'm not about to attempt to tarnish my reputation by trying to entertain you here (out of context), so I'll just tell you that people are happy when we get to work together. I work off of other people and for the most part am in the mood to make the most out of whatever shift I have. I'm very witty and can snap lines back at you very quick.

6) I'm relatively dependable.
The whole reason I insert the word "relatively" is because sometimes in the process of trying to be dependable to everyone, someone suffers. Kimberly has to put up with the results of my absence, but she's so much a part of me now that we have both adapted and try to avoid any potential potholes before we hit them to minimize on disappointments. She, also, for the most part, knows the people I work for and agrees with most of my urgency. This doesn't mean we don't "fight" about it, but it's not really a fight, more of a responsible discussion.

7) I figure things out...fast.
I'm one of the best troubleshooters you've ever met. If I happen to defer an issue its because it's not time sensitive, someone else close by knows better, or the issue requires further research. As far as other things, I operate best in an environment when I know all the rules. I can bend rules that I know, but I can't affect what I don't know.

8) I'm strategic.
I can't play chess worth anything, but as I mentioned above I can operate in an environment of rules that I can bend and manipulate. I can plan and plan and plan and plan...the awesome thing is that I can also execute. Because people like me (for these and other reasons), they're willing to do favors for me and support me.

9) I understand and thoroughly love music.
You'd be pretty hard-pressed to find me lacking an opinion or emotion about music (specific or otherwise). Also, I can completely disengage certain instrument parts pretty easily on a first pass of music which helps me in multiple live sound situations. On top of all this, I love pretty much every form of music (except Polka) which you already knew if you know me. I really do love all music. Hendrix to Spears...try me.

10) I'm loyal and people are loyal to me.
I know my press. Firstly, people tell me frequently what people say about me (which kinda goes hand in hand with #1). But, also, I don't betray people unless provoked (#4) and I am very friendly with people, even and especially with people who hate me. There's nothing like carrying a misunderstanding too far be jumping to immediate hatred. Although I do find that my opinion of other people is somewhat dictated by those I trust most. I will say this, that I blindly trust few people with my life and it's a SHORT list.

11) I'm a great writer.
I can write words to express whatever I'm feeling. I can fabricate some of the best "tribal knowledge" terminology to get the job done or to get my point across. Most people rarely ask me if "that's the actual term or are you making it up" because I do like to pay attention and tie things together in a logical manner. But, either way, read my posts and you tell me. I know I wrote a blog several years ago, frustrated, explaining to my friends and family why I'm at work so much and why it's so worth it to me.

12) Kimberly loves me.
As cliche and last minute as it may seem, I've saved the best for last in this case. Many people don't understand why she's with me (including myself), but I consider it my greatest trait because it says the most about me. She really is the rest of me. She gives me the confidence to fulfill the other 11 things which were just petty reflections of substantial attributes. She is the best part of me, all in all.

I'm sure there's other things I've missed, but it's not meant to be an expression of vanity. It's meant to be a ruler for things to look for in yourself and other people. Some of these things may seem to you, a stretch. But, I assure you that not only do I know myself better than anyone, I am also internally filtering all these statements through many memories of specific instances where these traits manifest themselves. Essentially, to say "trust me, I know how awesome I am."

[kyle]

"Live Like I'm Alive"

"Your life is shaped by the end you live for. You are made in the image of what you desire." -Thomas Merton

Progressively Normal

"The trouble with normal is it always gets worse."

-Bruce Cockburn

Book Smart

i wish to read these.
















[kyle]

State of Fear

Wow. So apparently, there's been a little hacking going on in research facilities. Ever heard of ClimateGate? No? Then you'll [possibly] enjoy the link listed previously.




A little background on my stance on Global Warming. I read a book by Michael Crichton a few years ago called "State of Fear" where he (in his normal novel format) outlines how the global community is being fear mongored by scientists searching for more research grants for "global warming" and that they'd go to every extent to get that money. It's interesting considering the late Crichton was very liberal politcally. This doesn't mean he was ignorant though and even though I'm sure he was looked down upon by other members of his party, he still wrote and published his book, the epilogue of which contained his personal beliefs regarding our care and stewardship of the environment which just so happens to coincide with my own for the most part. Either way you look at it, you should read the book. It'll probably be a movie within the year considering this breach in informational e-mails about the hoaxing of the human race.

[kyle]

"Look At What We Can Do"

There's an episode of Sports Night that no matter how many times I watch it, it really gets me excited about being alive right now. There's a few of those shows that speak to me, but every time I see something like the following YouTube video, it reverberates through my mind...

Enjoy!

Do...No, BE As You're Told

"I didnt know I was mad about anything. I guess if the New York Times says I am, I must be."

-Mark Cuban

This man is brilliance. Revolutionizing the business world as they've known it.

[kyle]

Life.

"Live all you can; it's a mistake not to. It doesn't so much matter what you do in particular, so long as you have your life. If you haven't had that what HAVE you had?"

The Ambassadors by Henry James

"I've Made A Mess Of Me"

I hate the past. Life could potentially be better without one. At least, to remove everything except the experience of it. I just want the past to dissipate and go away. I don't want her or my past to interfere anymore. It causes un-necessary arguments (mostly due to a lack of understanding on either of our parts). There's no point in expressing the reasons why. There are no reasons. The past is behind us...not our current concern...who cares...Our investment. That's what cares. We pissed away time, emotion, energy, and time on that crap. So our investment in it (no matter how misguided) cares.

Now, is that bad? Is it wrong to hope that our entire time with that other person was a waste? I don't think so. The things that hurt us are so much of what makes us who we are today that it'd be foolish to think that it's wrong to wish it never happened. But, now that we're living as our current selves, why dwell? There's really no reason. Why is this?


Because what is developing the current me is you. I like me now. I've never liked me like I like me now. My life is no longer a mess...it's useful.

[kyle]

P.S. You may have just listened to my "gotta finish this beer, like, tonight" ramblings...sorry if it doesn't make sense. I'll re-read it tomorrow to be sure it's alright...

WARNING: This Post Will Offend You In Some Way

Now, I don't typically post strongly political or religious stuff on here due to my (for lack of a better term) "mixed" audience, but it's getting truly ridiculous. It was around this time last year that I watch a bunch of smart people lose their minds and make us out to be a band of complete idiots. I love being a Christian, I really do, but there's not a ton of things more un-Christ-like than rendering that which is Cesar's to be God's. There's no love in manufacturing yourself a martyr in the name of "free-speech" on the steps of Washington D.C. Stop confusing the message of an absolute need for a Savior with bigotry and hatred. I know a lot of these terms are thrown about aimlessly by both sides and not everyone who is/was pro Prop 8 is a hateful bigot, but look at what the people are seeing! What would you think if a group of people stood up and said, "we want to legislate against Christianity"? Would you not be appalled? Would you not picket? What would you do if a country founded on religious freedom and beliefs actually printed a ballot that outlawed a belief?

Stop giving people more reasons to hate us, they already have plenty, and do what we are compelled to do by the Bible which is to pray for EVERYONE and not ignore or hate people for having a different opinion. Who died and made us God? Why are we spending so much time arguing and fighting with each other? Pray, people, that's what we're supposed to do.

I realize I'm not the best example for any of this stuff and I've probably lost one or two (read: all) of my readers because of this post, but it's getting ridiculous. I know there are plenty of people who disagree with me too, but it's the internet and I can write what I want, therefore, my post...

[kyle]

Articles: Wikipedia about Matthew Shepherd Act and the take on it by the gay community.

"...I want to live like I know what I'm leaving..."

"here we are now with our desperate youth and pain, we're awakening. Maybe it's called 'ambition', you've been talking in your sleep about a dream, we're awakening..."

[kyle]

digital noise

the internet is loud today.

[kyle]

ser*en*dip*i*ty

It was all over from here...we were already sub-consciously plotting...especially that blonde one. I mean, look at that face. I think somewhere down deep inside, I knew from the moments just prior to this shot that the existence I held before was no longer valid, had expired, and living was on it's way.

I love you, Kimby...thank you for breathing life into me.

[kyle]

Bad News Looks Like This

Everything was different two days ago. It's interesting when you get to know your future...well, potential future...it makes you start to worry about a lot of "if's" that may or may not really happen. It's making Kimberly sad. She keeps longing for Thursday, before all this happened. We went to a geneticist who informed me that I may have a 50/50 chance of contracting Myotonic Dystrophy (what my dad, sister, nephew, neice, aunt, aunt, grandpa, and cousin all have). That's pretty harrowing. What am I supposed to do with that information right now? I'm healthy (for the most part) right now. Whatever. Anyway, the strangest thing is that I'm not bummed out about it. I'm more worried about Kimberly. The possibility is scaring her. I will say that's one thing that I got from my pops that's been rather useful and cool. My dad never complains. He'll make off-handed comments about how he's doing, "I'm dying...how are you?" and it'll make the room uncomfortable while I just laugh and say, "aren't we all?" He's never said, "God why?" or "How dare this happen to me while I'm still [relatively] young?!?" The man is resolved that the negative thing about his whole disease is the strain it has on my mother and us. Am I going to do the same if I get it? I hope so, because my father deserves as much strength from me as he has had.

Frankly, though, all of this is irrelevant because no one knows their future, and today is Saturday.

[kyle]

Extra Cookie Dough

It's been interesting lately, being at home as much as I have been, because of ailment or otherwise. But, it's been so rewarding actually living my life as opposed to just observing the few meager excuses for personal memories I used to have before Kimberly. I have new memories. I have a fire in the fireplace and my wonderful woman curled up next to me. I'm watching my newest (about an hour old now) obsession of The United States of Tara.

Kimberly heard about this show from some friends who were appalled that she hadn't seen or even really heard about it yet. It's this amazing show on Showtime about a mother with Multiple Personality Disorder who made a family decision to stop taking her medication so her old "friends" re-surfaced and keep interrupting, good or bad, her life. Very real. Great work by Diablo Cody and Steven Speilberg. Great cast too, the four family members are so good at interacting, even in the Pilot. I think it's irreverent and perfect and you should all watch it.

Anyway, I am really enjoying all the time I get to spend with Kimberly and our kitties, despite the sickness, but it's time well spent and i finally, after 25 years, feel completely fulfilled. The pieces are starting to fall into place, not as quickly as some (read: Kimberly ;) ) would like, and I'm completely joking, Kimberly, I just love that you love that quote.

Now, stop reading my blog, go live your lives, friends.

[kyle]

New October Resolutions

I've sat out here in blog-land for sometime now and my observations are proving to be astounding. To myself, more than anybody, but alas astounding. Why do people come out here to share their thoughts, feelings, and snippets of life that they discover? Is it rhetorical or do people expect an answer? These generic questions obviously become relative when thinking about this because human nature allows us the opportunity to self-evaluate. Why do I blog? I'm not really sure. It's kind of to share thoughts with the internet and see if anyone responds. On the other hand it's also just to express what I'm thinking somewhere and I don't necessarily care if anyone actually reads or comments on it. So, for me, I suppose it's just rhetorical and partially to become a part in the "web-community" (as it were).

It's an interesting snapshot of someone's life to look at their entries from months or even years ago. I used to look back on mine frequently and ask myself what the heck I was actually thinking when I wrote them. I sounded sad and lost. As I'm now striving to keep on the path that I sat myself down on years ago, I want to use this blog as a benchmark of progress. In my relationship with Kimberly, my family, my friends, and my walk. The last one should be one of difficulty as I'm not the most motivated of individuals, but my resolve is to do something about this. Now, I could do the typical thing and just wait until January 1st and then "resolve" to do something, but you're almost guaranteed failure if you do that because the connotation is that New Year's Resolutions aren't kept.

In a round about sort of way, this is where things are starting. Here in late-October.

[kyle]