Chapter 2:

This day, last year, I made a decision. It was a very difficult decision and one that I didn't take lightly. I chose to quit smoking. After 4 years of purchase, pack, pull, put match to, pollute, and put out, I decided it was time to quit. The first question people usually ask after "why?" is "how?", so I will answer both with this short story.

I had gotten into...a discussion...with Kimberly about my bad habit and she further expressed her concerns for my health and well-being. Not but two sentences into a lecture I'd heard plenty of times and one I'm sure she'd given several times, she cut herself off. After a brief moment, she looked right at my eyes with a grief-stricken look and sighed as she said, "do what you want, but I've been through this before. For 8 years I dealt with the promise of quitting and then was lied to. You won't hear anymore about this from me, but do what you want..." The look on her face was enough to make the entire world cry. I never wanted to see that look on her face again, so I planned to quit the next day. That night was December 4th, 2008, I updated my Quitter app on my iPhone to the next day and discarded my remaining cigarettes.

It was the first major renovation to my life, now lived with Kimberly. One of many as the next major big thing is coming down the pike just this coming Monday. For those of you [three who read this] who may not know, I've decided to go back to school. Not Orange Coast College, which I've been in a class for the last sixteen weeks with, but to a real progressing school that will land me degree-holding in just 3 to 4 years. I get to take all of my classes online and all of my courses are 5 weeks long. There is no "summer break" or "winter break" in the middle and all the materials are digital. This school is way up my alley, don't you think? I'm heading after a degree in Information Technology & Networking which is fairly applicable to almost everything in the future of everything. I think it'll be the hardest, yet most fulfilling road that Kimberly and I will travel and I'm already thankful for her continued support as I attempt the next difficult chapter in my life.

Chapter 3 is coming soon...it may just start in the midst of chapter 2. ;)

[kyle]

To Be A Stinson: "12 Reasons I'm Awesome"

I was having lunch today and as the conversation happening across the table was going on (about football), I realized that I don't have much of an interest or talent that is "regular" in society. I don't like, nor am I good at sports really... I don't play a musical instrument very well or a "common" one like guitar or bass... So am I good at anything? That's an entirely unproductive and vain question because immediately upon asking that, someone would say "oh, no you're good at ________" which would be true. Being in the positive mood that I'm (was) in, I came up with some small, yet great things...

And now, to "toot my own horn", as it were:

1) People trust me.
I'm finding the longer I'm here on this earth that people will really tell me anything. Sooner or later, you're caving, just face it. If you don't, the other people who know will tell me...eventually I'll know. I'm very hard to surprise because of this. Kimberly does a pretty good job at it.

2) I don't ask questions that I don't know the answer to.
This is sort of a continuation of the first point. I only ask what I'm almost sure to get a "yes" to or an answer that I already know.

3) I pull off amazing things.
There are way too many stories to post here about how I even amazed myself by getting results from a veritable "crap shoot". Suffice it to say, I can absolutely deliver...when I feel the time's right.

4) When I make the threat, "you don't want my full attention", it's not an empty threat.
I've never had to follow through with this yet, and most people do laugh when I say this. But, I most definitely can focus very hard on something and add my determination to that focus and you have all these character traits pointed at you, and don't forget...I deliver.

5) I'm entertaining.
I'm not about to attempt to tarnish my reputation by trying to entertain you here (out of context), so I'll just tell you that people are happy when we get to work together. I work off of other people and for the most part am in the mood to make the most out of whatever shift I have. I'm very witty and can snap lines back at you very quick.

6) I'm relatively dependable.
The whole reason I insert the word "relatively" is because sometimes in the process of trying to be dependable to everyone, someone suffers. Kimberly has to put up with the results of my absence, but she's so much a part of me now that we have both adapted and try to avoid any potential potholes before we hit them to minimize on disappointments. She, also, for the most part, knows the people I work for and agrees with most of my urgency. This doesn't mean we don't "fight" about it, but it's not really a fight, more of a responsible discussion.

7) I figure things out...fast.
I'm one of the best troubleshooters you've ever met. If I happen to defer an issue its because it's not time sensitive, someone else close by knows better, or the issue requires further research. As far as other things, I operate best in an environment when I know all the rules. I can bend rules that I know, but I can't affect what I don't know.

8) I'm strategic.
I can't play chess worth anything, but as I mentioned above I can operate in an environment of rules that I can bend and manipulate. I can plan and plan and plan and plan...the awesome thing is that I can also execute. Because people like me (for these and other reasons), they're willing to do favors for me and support me.

9) I understand and thoroughly love music.
You'd be pretty hard-pressed to find me lacking an opinion or emotion about music (specific or otherwise). Also, I can completely disengage certain instrument parts pretty easily on a first pass of music which helps me in multiple live sound situations. On top of all this, I love pretty much every form of music (except Polka) which you already knew if you know me. I really do love all music. Hendrix to Spears...try me.

10) I'm loyal and people are loyal to me.
I know my press. Firstly, people tell me frequently what people say about me (which kinda goes hand in hand with #1). But, also, I don't betray people unless provoked (#4) and I am very friendly with people, even and especially with people who hate me. There's nothing like carrying a misunderstanding too far be jumping to immediate hatred. Although I do find that my opinion of other people is somewhat dictated by those I trust most. I will say this, that I blindly trust few people with my life and it's a SHORT list.

11) I'm a great writer.
I can write words to express whatever I'm feeling. I can fabricate some of the best "tribal knowledge" terminology to get the job done or to get my point across. Most people rarely ask me if "that's the actual term or are you making it up" because I do like to pay attention and tie things together in a logical manner. But, either way, read my posts and you tell me. I know I wrote a blog several years ago, frustrated, explaining to my friends and family why I'm at work so much and why it's so worth it to me.

12) Kimberly loves me.
As cliche and last minute as it may seem, I've saved the best for last in this case. Many people don't understand why she's with me (including myself), but I consider it my greatest trait because it says the most about me. She really is the rest of me. She gives me the confidence to fulfill the other 11 things which were just petty reflections of substantial attributes. She is the best part of me, all in all.

I'm sure there's other things I've missed, but it's not meant to be an expression of vanity. It's meant to be a ruler for things to look for in yourself and other people. Some of these things may seem to you, a stretch. But, I assure you that not only do I know myself better than anyone, I am also internally filtering all these statements through many memories of specific instances where these traits manifest themselves. Essentially, to say "trust me, I know how awesome I am."

[kyle]

ser*en*dip*i*ty

It was all over from here...we were already sub-consciously plotting...especially that blonde one. I mean, look at that face. I think somewhere down deep inside, I knew from the moments just prior to this shot that the existence I held before was no longer valid, had expired, and living was on it's way.

I love you, Kimby...thank you for breathing life into me.

[kyle]

Extra Cookie Dough

It's been interesting lately, being at home as much as I have been, because of ailment or otherwise. But, it's been so rewarding actually living my life as opposed to just observing the few meager excuses for personal memories I used to have before Kimberly. I have new memories. I have a fire in the fireplace and my wonderful woman curled up next to me. I'm watching my newest (about an hour old now) obsession of The United States of Tara.

Kimberly heard about this show from some friends who were appalled that she hadn't seen or even really heard about it yet. It's this amazing show on Showtime about a mother with Multiple Personality Disorder who made a family decision to stop taking her medication so her old "friends" re-surfaced and keep interrupting, good or bad, her life. Very real. Great work by Diablo Cody and Steven Speilberg. Great cast too, the four family members are so good at interacting, even in the Pilot. I think it's irreverent and perfect and you should all watch it.

Anyway, I am really enjoying all the time I get to spend with Kimberly and our kitties, despite the sickness, but it's time well spent and i finally, after 25 years, feel completely fulfilled. The pieces are starting to fall into place, not as quickly as some (read: Kimberly ;) ) would like, and I'm completely joking, Kimberly, I just love that you love that quote.

Now, stop reading my blog, go live your lives, friends.

[kyle]

Fall Dreamin'

[kyle]

Look What Wii Did

If you were a fly on my wall, you'd probably hear (at least once a week) that I think Kimberly is adorable when she's angry. I try not to provoke her, but it's inevitable that it happens (if you know me at all). Since she is (was supposed to be) gone this weekend, I was thinking about a particularly funny incident that happens some months ago that led me to know about a weird habit Kimberly has: she buys expensive crap when she's really mad.

I couldn't even tell you what on earth I had the nerve to piss her off about, but I was (as I usually am when we start these tiffs) at work engrossed in some computer screen or audio console when I said something (via text) completely and utterly insensitive and out-of-line. She abruptly (and for good, good reason) stopped text-ing me back and I "let" her soak in the silence for the rest of my shift. This is so common of me to think that I'm punishing her by not talking. Stupid me.

Upon my arrival at our lovely apartment at the time, I heard some really loud noise coming from the TV and emerged to find the two dwelling women playing Raymond's Raving Rabids for the Wii. Oh yes, she was so angry, and decided to show me, that she went out, spent her own money, and bought the most awesome gaming console of the decade. Ouch.

Of course, this entire story is true and it is written dripping with jest and sarcasm, but it is one of the little, tiny blessings-in-disguise of my wonderful Kimberly, that I love. She gets so pissed off sometimes that she spends money on something epic. I mean, there's thousands of things she could (and probably should) do to me, but she buys electronics.

Reason 421 that we're meant to be together: "I buy useless stuff all the times I'm not mad, she buys useless stuff only when she IS mad."

This story accompanied me to work today on my drive. It made me smile, but then made me look at the clock to realize that once I landed from being in the clouds, I was 33 minutes early for my shift. FML.

[kyle]

P.S. Kimberly surprised me today (not nearly an easy task) and came home early. She was waiting for me (as if to pounce) just outside my door to Audio Central. We watched the parade and she went home and I went back to reality.

Greatest Hits: Number 4

I've been dying to tell everyone all about last weekend. Let me start with last Tuesday though when I received a very out of the blue text message with the best idea inside it: "can we have a date night this Friday?" To which I replied, "sure". Little did I know it was a date that would change my life. I made reservations via the OpenTable app for Marche Moderne (which I highly recommend) and dessert and drinks at Charlie Palmer. Reservations for destiny.

I had the most beautiful blonde staring at me, across my table, all to myself in this wonderful little french restaurant at South Coast Plaza. We had wine, sparkling water, and our appetizers on the table. These two hours of my life were the most fulfilling two hours I've ever had. I've never felt so more connected to someone in conversation or in life as I have to Kimberly. We had a night that reminded me that my dreams have become reality. Our conversation took us from religion to family to our childhood pre-occupations...we relived our meeting, our year of hardships, our choices (good and bad)...I learned her. I became more of a part of her life. She became more of mine, although I wasn't living much of one until I crossed paths with her.

Anyway, our main courses consisted of fantastic morsels that we devoured and celebrated. It was presented by the wait staff that informed us that the chef is married to the pastry chef. Poetic. We were treated like regulars there. I want to be a regular there. Our dessert and paired wine that we ordered was superb and equally celebrated. I think we'll go back to Charlie Palmer as well.

All in all, it was the night that has earmarked the future for us and will be a night we won't be forgetting anytime soon. Number 4 on my "Greatest Hits".

[kyle]

Three Small Words, 100 Million Little Things

There is no amount to end the hurt I will inflict on myself. Direct or indirectly, I do it to myself and those who love me. I've lived, but a whole 24 years to my credit and continually do I throw myself in the way of what is painful and horrible to our emotional health. I have finally started living...living enough that not only does the past not matter, I'm forgetting it. The future is not only healing the past, but erasing it! Exciting, isn't it?

I hate the English language for this reason. The words sting as they are re-read from my own "mouth" back at me and I am ashamed. English doesn't allow for change in meaning, inflection, gravity...it only allows you to repeat yourself. I've said words before, I either meant them or not, but the past is being erased as we speak by my incredibly bright BRIGHT future with her! I have no other words left to me by English! I have wasted not only myself, but my precious words. The tarnished, feeble few that are left at my disposal leave her disappointed and sad and leave me to hold my words in my sad hands silently because I can't seem to find words worthy enough of her. I will inevitably spend the rest of my days searching for something to do or say that isn't tarnished by someone not even an eighth worthy of what Kimberly is.

She is my everything, but that's not what I mean, I mean my MORE than everything...

She is my other half, but not only that, she's what MAKES me, me.

She is my best friend, but more than that, she is everything I love about myself.

She is my family, but I mean a word that doesn't exist, someone more than family.

It really, truly is a hundred, million little things that not only complete my life, but enhance it. She makes me thrive instead of live, absorb instead of breathe, overflow instead of fill...she's my everything and my all, my passion and my inspiration, my partner-in-crime and my confidant, my care-giver and my care-taker, my happiness and smile, my light and my warmth...she's more than I could ever be expected to describe in such little space. She fills more than a webpage, more than a book, more than any library in the world!

I hope that one day I can live up to being a 100 things to her and maybe make her feel like she's not only needed for my survival, but also that she's wanted.

I love you, Kimberly Ann Walker...more than I could ever tell you...I hope to always be trying to be worthy of your love.

[kyle]

Decades of Artistic Feelings

End of another month...I noticed today that it was almost the end of this decade. What do I have to show for the first decade of the millennium? Kimberly, a great career in which I'm respected, I feel that I am slowly getting closer to my family (thanks, in part, to Kimberly), and I feel like I'm earning my age of "almost 25"... Is there anything tangible? That's an interesting way to phrase a question about my progress. Granted, I am the one asking the question, but that is (quite obviously) beside the point. Tangible? That's like asking if every breath I've been granted in my life would've meant more had I been able to hold it to my face to ingest it. I think the things in my life that have meant more to me have been, poetically so, intangible. That's what makes it worth more...you have to imagine the physical value. I love that God made us this way, in that we have to rely on our knowledge of the world and what we can't grasp to understand and appreciate each other and our lives.

Past myself, I believe that God's still in charge, El Nino is on it's way, economic turmoil is still inevitable even WHEN the market steadies out...tomorrow will survive in tomorrow's existence and I'll still blog when I have something to say. I love to blog my thoughts, I love to be artistic and when I get the rare chance to actually be inspired at the right time to write something to the world of the wide-web. I aspire to be a better, more thriving author, photographer, and person but never really know exactly how I want to achieve it. I know that I will wake up tomorrow feeling artistically unfulfilled and wanting to shoot more pictures, write more blogs, listen to more music, and read more books. I have a yearning to do more with my senses and don't understand what to do about it.

[kyle]

Turn The Page...

I feel this chapter coming to an end. These nightshifts seemed to have taken their toll for this season and I feel a day shift or three coming on. This has by no means shortened my shifts, it just means they should appear at "regular people's hours"...or so we hope. It's times like these that require some introspection on my part. I just feel the need to look closer inside and figure out what I need to work on next. They're good starting points for personal, pet projects. "What don't I like about myself that I can work on currently?" It's not a bad question and shouldn't be viewed as self-deprecating. It should be viewed as self-improvement. This isn't narcissism or pride, it's a sort of internal personality maintenance that I think everyone should be doing from time to time if you plan on being a better person tomorrow.

Kind of along those lines is this thing that Mraz posted on his blog recently about the "Humanifesto"...pretty amazing stuff and an interesting concept to say the least. I feel that a lot of people are targeting different angles to the problems we're having and this is a (albeit atheistic) but productive vantage. They say that in basic, "Make eye contact with anyone you interact with. Smiling is optional but highly encouraged. Use the words 'Please' and 'Thank You' as often as you can. Seek out ways to improve the lives of others. This can be as small as carrying someones bag up a flight of stairs, or holding a door open." I'm not going to lie, it's a great place to start and a helluva lot better place than most people are starting in. Shoot, it's a START people!

Just a couple little thoughts on this extra long night brought to you by Honda...

Look closely. Live openly. Embrace today don't just seize it.

[kyle]

Adjusting The AF

"...I hurt myself today...to see if I still feel..."

There are times in life that you learn more about living than you do at other times. This week is one of those weeks. A recurring theme in my life has been that I don't really keep my mouth shut enough. That can carry on into my generic attitude, my outlook on the life-task at hand, etc. I can see so much of why I burn bridges. Kimberly pointed this out to me the other day on our way to dinner with her folks as I was explaining my distaste for something that happened to me last year. That's right, I'm still upset about something that happened at work a year ago. That should prove right there how much I'll allow things to fester.

Now, I can blame everyone else for my utter hatred of the "evil prospering" in the world and why God allows this to happen. Or...as is suggested, I can let it go as if it was the "whisp" of air that is most actually is. I don't really care about morons succeeding above me. I don't really care about being ignored. I don't really care about being treated poorly. I just care about doing a good job...at least that's what I should be caring about. I think it's time to re-focus myself; take a step back and reflect on the positive things that are happening to me.

I couldn't be more happy about the life that Kimberly and I have built from the ground up. I love what we share and how we share it. I love, even more, how we've cleaned our lives out of un-necessary issues and drama. Even all that "stuff" that collects throughout life, we're starting to get rid of. We started ripping our DVD's into our media server farm the other night and she's just kicking ass at it! We plan on selling our DVD's and making a little extra money off of it. It feels so good to have a help-mate who shares my goals and dreams. I love that she drives me to achieve! What a wonderful woman I've been entrusted with!

I could talk about her for hours, but I need to get back to work and to also finish up watching the WWDC keynote from last week. I'm super excited about the new OS and it's support of Exchange (finally!). Anyway...that's enough outta me!

[kyle]

In The Shadow Of The Moon

I've been a bit of a night owl the last few months. It definitely doesn't make for an easy life, I'll tell you that. I'm getting to that point where I hope that the end is near, where the 11:30 PM off time I used to have is "early", where I can get home and get to sleep all in the same day, where I can be with Kimberly...sigh...I love my job, but I also love my new home with Kimberly, cats, neighbors, et al. I do want to get on to enjoying it.

This being away all the time majorly sucks. I feel like a hidden community of some organism that moves only in the light of the risen moon and no one really knows it's there until they mis-function once and it disrupts the delicate balance of the "day people". Its not as if I feel under-appreciated, but I do feel disconnected. I feel like this isn't what I was supposed to be doing although it is what I'm supposed to be doing. The upside is that I've become the one that delivers and the downside is that my life is starting to show signs of severe suffering. I'm going to start getting that pasty-white skin that people who stay indoors too much get pretty soon, I can just feel it.

If anyone has advice on how to cope with these night shifts or if you happen to know that the end of these shifts is soon, please tell me...

[kyle]

If Every Morning Were Like This

It was the most poetic meeting I've ever had. Having just returned home from the long night's work, I was waiting for the elevator and when it arrived, decided I would wait for the next one just because I thought I should. Sure enough, as luck would have it, the doors opened and my beautiful girl was standing in front of me. Her face lit up as she saw me look up with relieved eyes. I was so glad that I got to hold her one minute before we parted again for the next bank of hours apart. As she held me, I began to drift to sleep because being in her arms is being home and comfortable. We leave each other, only with the memory of the chance meeting and the hope that 5 PM will come around quicker than it actually will.

[kyle]

I Would Walk 3400 Miles

We're pretty much all moved in now at our new place and we have a couple more days to clean the old place. As I think about our new home with new challenges and new horizons, I dare to say that I probably the luckiest guy in the world today. My wonderful love, Kimberly, is starting to mill about the apartment moving things from boxes to their resting place (most likely, not final) and arranging things preparing for life here. It's a gorgeous property, we learned today as we explored the entire thing finally. We discovered that there's a sports bar directly across the lake from the back walking entrance to the property. Which is ALSO next to a Flame Broiler (woot to that). There's so many places to take good photos too! I can't wait to take my camera out to shoot some pictures of the landscape of our new lives! It's an exciting place to be living at and I'm excited to share it with my best friend. I'm glad that she's decided I'm worth keeping around.

[kyle]

Cling To The Best Part Of You Shamelessly

I've never really felt guilty going to work until recently. It's not because Kimberly makes me feel bad for going, it's because she feels badly when I go. I've also never felt what another person is feeling before Kimberly either. I really hurt when she hurts. I am really sad when she is sad. I feel so compelled to suffer or rejoice with her depending on what emotions she has. I don't quite know what to make of this newfound connection with another human, but I can only assume that it's what happens when two lives are making their way on to being one life. I can't wait to start the rest of my life with this woman that has been entrusted to me by God and her parents, but I know that time will only affirm the feeling I have that she is the woman I dreamed of when I was a child. The woman that I always knew was on her way and the more I thought about her, the more I knew she'd show up in the most unique manner.

Kimberly is un-doubtedly that woman. She makes me want to do things better, she makes my past irrelevant, and encourages me to look ahead to the future with her at my side. I told her tonight that I don't think she'll ever know how much I really love her and need her. I could tell her and show her every way that I can think of, but at least for me it'll never be enough and I'll always be wanting to do more, say more to let her know. If you asked her, Kimberly would tell you that I tell her that I love her just about every 5 seconds. That's not a large exaggeration on my part, either.

It gets harder and harder every single time that I leave her. I loathe to leave and I cling to her when she needs to leave me. Sucks, but also feels good to know that I need someone that needs me so much too.

I love you, Kimberly.

[kyle]

Starting Over

After a knee-jerk reaction on my part, I've thought it best to start over. Start a new blog out here in web-land where I don't need the reference to where I came from. I've already decided that I learned at that time, was for that time. What I have now is what I have now.

What I have now is Kimberly. She makes me happy, and even though I screw up time and time again, she's still there to keep me going. Don't get me wrong, I make her mad. A LOT! But, she's faithful, kind, and patient with me and doesn't ever stop the love. She's pretty much the most amazing woman that I've ever known. Life has never been the same since her. I can't tell you how thankful I am for her.

Here's to a new beginning (on the blog) with my love, Kimberly Ann Walker.

[kyle]